Filed under: Drug Free Workplace, Landrum | Tags: "human resources consulting", Drug Free Work Place, employees, Human Resources
April 6, 2011
Part 2 – Real Life Excuses for Failing a Drug Screen
by Grace Whalen
Last week I posted my Top Ten Hall of Fame selections of real life excuses I have been given by applicants who failed their pre-employment drug screen. As I mentioned, during the course of the last 18 years as Drug Free Work Place Coordinator at Landrum Human Resources, the excuses have gotten quite creative and comical. Although the excuses and narratives I am posting today were not included in the Top Ten, they are certainly worth sharing. I affectionately refer to them as “Random Acts of Stupidity“.
1. Yeah, My Wife Says Pot is for Kids and I Should Stop. This was a response by a gentleman who had just failed his drug screen and who knew his wife of 26 years would be angry with him.
2. He Said, He Said- An applicant insisted “I don’t smoke, but my roommate does.” His roommate was also going through the application process and was the next person in line. The roommate used the same excuse.
3. I Guess I Didn’t See the Skull & Crossbones Label. “The reason my urine smells like bleach is that instead of adding the chlorine to the pool, I accidentally drank it.” This was a young man whose specimen had a strong odor of bleach, registered in excess of 100 degrees on the temperature monitor, and had a half-inch of foam on its surface. The mere fact that he did not think I would notice speaks to his common sense, or lack thereof. Living proof drugs make you stupid.
4. Under the Influence of Pizza. I must have looked perplexed when told by an applicant she was worried about failing her drug screen because she had pizza for lunch. I wondered aloud why she would be worried about pizza. She responded “Will the beer show up?” I did not know it was to be automatically assumed a beer accompanied the pizza.
5. Two Guys a Girl and A Trilogy of Inconclusive Drug Screens. Two male applicants and a female applicant who were friends came in together to go through the application process. Each one screened for marijuana. My coworker and I each called one of the applicants back to different interview rooms to speak with them about their results, leaving the third applicant to wait his turn. By the time I was able to call the third into my office, he had apparently heard from his friends they had failed their drug screen. He accompanied me to my office, where he told me his friends both smoke pot so it was secondhand smoke that caused his result. Laboratory confirmation proved otherwise.
6. Does It Smell Like Bleach in Here, or is it Just Me? A young man, whose entrance into the lobby was accompanied by a pervasive odor of bleach, was noted to have white blotches on his jeans pocket. He had likely heard adding bleach to his urine sample would cover up the presence of marijuana. He had apparently put a zippered seal type bag of bleach in his pocket, only to learn he should have used the brand that is guaranteed not to leak.
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Certainly, we make no judgment calls regarding these excuses. Applicants are entitled to a thorough confirmation process. When I speak with these applicants, I assure them they will have an opportunity to discuss any positive lab results confidentially with our Medical Review Officer. The MRO, alone, will determine the final outcome of the drug test, based on lab findings, review of the integrity of the chain-of-custody protocol and discussion with the applicant of any alternate medical explanation for those results, such as taking a medication by valid, verified prescription.
We have all heard the Anti-drug catch phrases – “Just Say No”, “Hugs, Not Drugs” “This is your brain- This is your brain on Drugs. Any questions?” “Crack is whack”. “Get High on Life, Not Drugs”. I would like to post a “catch phrase” from the past in my office, where applicants with whom I must speak about the unfavorable results of their drug screens can see it. The sign would be a straight forward “No Excuses”. But then I would have no material for future blog entries, such as the ones I will post next time!
The moral of today’s story? If you want to find meaningful employment through Landrum: “Drug Free is the Way to Be.”
(Alternate moral of today’s blog post) You can’t pull the wool over the eyes of a silver haired grandmother who worked in the public school system for 15 years, has 18 years’ experience as a Drug free Workplace Coordinator and raised three children of her own.
As Drug Free Workplace Coordinator, Grace oversees the Drug Free Workplace compliance for all Landrum Human Resources clients. She has been with Landrum for 18 years and has performed thousands of employee and applicant drug tests. Grace is responsible for maintaining and documenting all drug tests results and works closely with the Landrum HR Managers to reconcile any Drug Free Workplace related issues.
Grace earned her Associate of Applied Science degree in Nursing from Dutchess Community College in Poughkeepsie, New York. She spent 15 years as a volunteer in several facets of the public educational system.
Grace is a gifted writer who artistically blends her creativity and wit into very entertaining articles and poems. She enjoys cooking and is an exceptionally talented baker.
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